Red Dwarf Jealousy
by drwhosgothgirl
Summary: The Crew get a new female member.Can Kochanski hold back her jealousyCan the guys keep their eyes of her?
1. Chapter 1

**Red Dwarf**

**Jealousy**

Lister stood looking in the mirror. It was obvious to Kryten and the Cat that he was doing it for Kochanski. Before she arrived he barely even brushed his teeth. Rimmer sat next to Holly's screen just staring at her.

"Holly, you're a complete smeg head, I think it's safe to say."

"Guys, something's coming towards us it's a big wobbly wibbly thing"

"Oh god it must be serious" Kryten said running towards the control rooms.

"What the hell is going on?" Kochanski said Shouting.

"I think someone's going to dimension jump"

"Oh great please don't let it be him, I couldn't face it, suicide tools are to a minimum on board." Rimmer said looking pale.

"I hope it is him, hello ace" Lister said as he opened coms.

"Hello there Skipper, long time no see how are those Kippers doing?" Ace said through coms.

"Great, Ace we've got a new member on board by the way"

"Who's this fine bloke?" Ace said.

"It's a woman, It's Miss Kochanski." Kryten said.

"Oh how ironic I've got someone here who might want to see her. I'm coming on board guys." Ace said. Starbug twisted and turned as Ace dimension jumped. Suddenly he appeared a young woman with a strong resemblance to Kochanski stood next to him. She wore a red suit the same sort Kochanski wore when she first boarded red dwarf.

All five ran down to the storage bay. Some less enthusiastic Rimmer hated Ace with a passion even though Ace was himself he couldn't stand his arrogance. Kochanski stood dead as she saw the girl and so did Rimmer, Lister and Cat. Lister recognised her too.

"Oh my god Kate!"

"Kris" the girl said back as she hugged Kochanski.

"Miss Kochanski ma'm is what is going on?"

"This Kryten is my sister, Kate" Kate stood there looking at all five of them. She recognised Lister after all he was Kris's ex boyfriend. She stood in the cargo bay her dark hair tumbling over her shoulders. Lister's mouth dropped.

"Smegging Hell!"

"Ok so what happened?" Kris asked Kate.

"Well after, you died or were supposed to in the radiation leak. The second Jupiter mining ship Red dwarf the second began its mission. The same disaster with the drive plates happened. I died I'm a hard light hologram like Ace. I was most vital to the mission Captain Kate Kochanski!"

"Yes I remember you were always higher up the rank than me" Kris said with a jealous look in her eye sounding unenthusiastic.

"So two officer budbabes? Have I died and gone to heaven?" Cat said in a loud voice.

"Well fellas this is why I brought Kate, That and her being an amazingly beautiful woman." Ace said while Rimmer rolled his eyes.

"Well Miss Kochanski ma'm…." Kryten said confused as now two Kochanski's were aboard.

"I'll take your things to a room and welcome on behalf of the red dwarf crew" Kryten said smiling.

"Hang on condom head we haven't discussed this." Kris said growing angry at the mechonoid.

"It's ok by us!" Lister said smiling at her. Kate smiled at Lister her big sisters boyfriends were obviously out of limits but they weren't a couple anymore.

"Dave!" Kris shouted.

"Come on, Kris it'll be fun, plus I can't stay with Ace your not going to abandon me are you?"

"I suppose not!" Rimmer jumped to Kate and helped her with her bags.

"So Kate, Captain eh?" Rimmer couldn't take his eyes of her. Neither could the Cat for that matter. Kris walked behind all the guys as practically all fell at Kate's feet.

"Hang on Holly can only sustain one hologram!" Rimmer said.

"Oh its ok I have my own light remote." She held it up. She was a hard light with no 'H' on her head.

"So Kate I haven't seen you in years, well since me and Kris broke up. I can't believe this!" Lister said smiling.

"You look great" he said his eyes wandering.

"Miss Kochanski let me take your jacket ma'm" Kryten said taking the jacket off her shoulders.

"Oh thank god another girl, I'm not alone there's three of us now, Welcome aboard Kate. I'm Holly."

"Hi Holly"

"Sorry who are you again?" Holly asked.

"Ignore her she's a gigabyte short of a file!" Lister said to Kate. Kate put her bags in what Lister said was her room.

"My Sister, god I thought three million years into the future I would have got rid of the smegger!"

"You don't like your sister ma'm?"

"She was always the better looking, the smartest, and her pony was better than mine" Kris said throwing a ball marked 'JMC' against the wall and catching it in her hands.

"Oh ma'm why are you so bothered?"

"You know why. You saw how Rimmer, Lister and the Cat dived round her like flies around Smeg, even Hol likes her. You like her too"

"Yes ma'm but I'm a mere mechanoid it's not my place to say how perfect she is, compared to you!"

"Oh thanks Kryten"

"She has iny and outy bits and yet I still like her and she has bigger iny and….." He was interrupted.

"Yes alright Kryten you demented tonka toy" Rimmer came up behind them whistling.

"So you like her then?" Kris said looking at him with her eyes narrowed.

"Who Kate? I think she's fantastic finally a Captain on board and a beautiful women Captain too"

"Oh great. Has Ace left?"

"Yes, thank god, otherwise I think I'd be drowning myself in fluoride water."

"See that's how I feel about Kate"

"Kris two days ago your were moaning that you had no women aboard now we have Kate and your not happy, what's the problem?"

"She's Miss big boobs Captain with her own remote hard light programmer." Kris made a sick looking face.

"Anyway I had Holly, any women just not her, she was always the prettier one with the bigger chest and bigger brain." Rimmer looked down at Kris's chest. The cat came in his suit practically blinding them.

"Where's Captain beautiful?"

"Oh great you too, Lister's showing her, her room"

"Her room, so you mean I'm second most beautiful?" He looked in a hand held mirror.

"Man what was I thinking I'm hot". Kate and Lister walked in Kate smiling. The others walked out.

Kris and Kate sat at the table.

"You don't want me here do you?" Kate said looking down.

"It's not that, it's I don't know. I'm sorry, but I suppose I'm glad you're here you're my sister and I love you." Kate smiled.

"You're not the only woman now."

"I know I just think I'm used to being around smegging men. You should be ok, you've always been a tom boy." Kate went to walk out the door.

"Oh and one more thing?"

"Yes" Kris looked up.

"Is there any curry aboard?" Kris smiled. She knew Kate liked curry but Kate didn't know what she was in for.

Kate had the unfortunate room with the pipes. Kris had the misfortune of having the same room at first it nearly drove her on the brink of insanity. She sat up next to Kryten in the kitchen while Kryten ironed. Her blanket wrapped round her. Lister came down in his silly white slumber suit. He'd found it on a derelict and it was all he had.

"Can't sleep? Kris was the same when she joined us."

"Well thanks to clapped out old pipes and Kris's jealousy I can't sleep a wink!"

"You hungry!"

"Yeah, I'm starving."

"Well what do you want?"

"Chocolate or Curry I suppose you've got none of those."

"Curry did you say Miss Kochanski?" He pulled out two foil containers.

"We've got plenty of that, thanks to me"

"Great!" Kate smiled.

"What about lager?"

"I can see this is going to be a beautiful friendship" he tossed her a cold beer. He sat down next to her with his curry and handed Kate hers.

"I can't believe you and Kris are sisters, you look alike but your complete opposites, you're not as anal as she is and you still made Captain."

"I know, she was always the popular, clever girl. I was always the nerdy girl with all friends that were boys and no boy friends."

"Frankly I find that very hard to believe" he said looking at Kate.

"I'll relight those pipes for you"

"Thank you!" she smiled.

"Sorry about the lack of chocolate; I'll see what I can do!" Lister walked out. Kate was left with Kryten.

"Do you need any help folding anything?"

"Oh Ma'm of course not I'm a service mechanoid. I couldn't possibly."

"Please?" Kryten handed her some sheets.

"Oh ma'm your fantastic at folding sheets. It's hard to believe your Miss Kochanski's sister. It's hard to believe someone as nice as you, could have such a bossy, controlling, trollop of a sister."

"Oh come on she's not that bad" Kate said.

"She has to go, she was up all night last night talking to Kryten I heard her!"

"Come on Kris she couldn't sleep."

"Don't think I didn't hear you talking to her too."

"Kris you told me what you thought of me, and because I so much as spoke to your sister who I think is fantastic, you get jealous!"

"Kris you've got to admit it she is quiet amazing" Rimmer said looking up.

"Are you guy's crazy? Or is it just me that can see she's gorgeous?" The Cat said. Kris growled.

"Miss Kochanski ma'm she helped me fold four piles of sheets. She's great and guess where she puts the salad cream?"

"I don't know Kryten does she put her pants in her pants draw too?"

"Well yes ma'm she does actually" Kryten said completely unaware. Kate walked in. Wearing the same outfit she arrived in. With a red PVC top and skirt.

"Morning" she smiled.

"Kate we were wondering if you could help us with the driving today, we came across a GELF planet a couple of galaxies back and we're scared they've spotted us." Lister said looking into her blue eyes.

"No problem, but why are GELF's after you?"

"Let's not go there!" Rimmer said.

"Why not I think you should tell them Dave?" Kochanski said her eyebrows raised. Lister began to nervously laugh at this point he fully had Kate's attention.

"Just leave it Kris yeah?"

"Yes Miss Kochanski ma'm I'm sure our new guest doesn't want to here about the wedding!"

"Oh thanks a bunch Kryten" Lister said. Kate giggled at the thought of Lister marrying a GELF.

"We were in a bit of trouble we needed an engine part."

Kate put down her coffee at the thought.

"Thanks I don't think I'm going to eat for a week" Kate said pleasantly but in an embarrassed predicament.

Cat came running in spinning around like his usual self.

"Hey Captain hot girl, your looking beautiful, almost better looking than me, but not quiet." Kris rolled her eyes and looked up and down at Cat.

"Hang on why did I come in here, oh yeah Holly says something came up on the scanner a sort of wobbly thing!"

"Guys something's come up on the scanner, I think it's the GELF ship" Holly said.

"No problem Holly"

"Kate you can drive in the front with me and the cat!"

"Ok, fine" Kate smiled. She liked driving the ship she was good at it she passed her test the first time round back on Red Dwarf the second.

**Grammar errors and spelling mistakes have been corrected for zombiekitty **


	2. Chapter 2

Summary: Ok this is somewhere in series 5ish! BUT Kochanski's in it because I like her. So imagine that she came in it a series early if that helps because Rimmer is still a hologram and Holly is a woman so get used to it I don't want tantrums cause it isn't correct with the series' I am the biggest red dwarf fan ever so I know that its not right! I go to the convention dressed as Kochanski every year.

Kate came out of the shower drying her hair off with a towel. She felt like she was fitting in just fine. Rimmer came out but became slightly embarrassed because she just had a towel on.

"Erm Kate, Hello, we were just wondering if you'd like to come and play poker later on? Kris won't be playing so if she's still feeling hostile it should be ok."

"Thanks Rimmer maybe, why won't she be playing?"

"Well I think she doesn't like the fact its strip poker" He said with a smug grin on his face.

She laughed. "I'll probably pass, but thanks"

She put on her PVC crew uniform and went into the hold were the Cat was drying his hair.

"Oh hello I didn't know you were here."

"Hey officer bud babe, looking hot. How are you and other officer bud babe sisters anyway? Did you have the same mother?" The Cat sad stupidly as he usually did.

"Yes and father!" she said smiling with a shocked look on her face she was beginning to wonder how all the crew of half wits had lasted so long in space. Kryten entered at that point hovering using his groinal attachment to hoover the deck floor. She couldn't help but snigger at how ridiculous he looked.

"Morning Kryten." She said sniggering.

Kris sat up at the table Opposite to Lister eating 'Branston Pickle' out of the jar. Her hair stuck up she didn't seem happy.

"Kris come on cheer up she's your sister?"

"That she might be but I hate her."

"What's she ever done to you Kris?"

"Always stolen my thunder!"

"Kris she hasn't stolen your thunder." Lister told her sympathetically.

"Yes she had and I've seen the way you look at her and Rimmer."

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean looking at her like she's a life time supply of vindaloo and lager."

"No I don't. Maybe a lager but she's a woman Kris before you arrived even Rimmer looked good." Kris laughed. "Why anyway?"

"What do you mean why?" She demanded.

"Why you so bothered?"

"I'm not bothered."

"You're jealous" Lister said laughing. At that point Kate walked in.

"Morning guys." Kris imitated to herself like a child. Lister rolled his eyes.

"There's food in the fridge we raided a derelict not so long ago. There's tons."

"Oh thanks" She smiled sweetly and Lister felt like melting. Kris raised her eyebrow at him but he didn't notice he was too busy watching her bend down to the cupboard. She stormed out with hate on her face.

"Good morning Miss Kochanski." Kryten said happily.

"Shut up you demented ironing obsessed droid from hell" She said back. He lowered his head and went into the kitchen where Kryten started cleaning and Lister was still staring at Kate.

"Mr Lister sir, Is there a reason Miss Kochanski resembles an angry Ken Dodd this morning?" He said looking confused.

"Don't let her hear you saying that Kryte she'll hang you by your groinal piece." Kate laughed at Listers remark remembering his groinal attachment from earlier. She sat down where Kris had been sat with a bottle of water and decided to get comfy. Holly came on screen.

"Hey guys is there a reason Kris looks like an angry Ken Dodd this morning? Anyway what was I saying? Oh yeah all the lights have gone on floor 4."

"Whys that Hol?" Kate said.

"Oh I don't really know."

"Lot of good you are, its probably just Cat using his hair dryer short circuiting it."

"Well hang on if that's the case then me and Rimmer can't go in there because we'll shut down."

"Well you won't Miss Kochanski because you're an extreme hardlight hologram."

"Yes of course."

"Holly reboot all power systems." Kryten said.

"I can't my reset task forces take place on that deck."

"Ok then, we better get down there. Miss Kochanski ma'm perhaps you can help."

"Yeah of course."

"I better come too." Lister said following after Kate.

"Mr Lister perhaps it would be best if you and Miss Kochanski booted the ship up from the inside and I sort the door override."

"Ok." Kate said walking in with Lister. It was dark and nobody was in there so it probably wasn't the cat's hair dryer. Lister stood next to Kate looking around. Suddenly the ship came to an immediate holt causing Lister to fall on top of Kate.


	3. Chapter 3

"Hello."

"Hello" Kate said back. They quickly scrambled back up.

"Is everything ok, Mr Lister?" Krytens voice heard from the other side of the override door.

"Yeah we're fine Kryten, what happened?"

"Holly just shut down sir. They could be a black out for a while."

"Nice one Hol" Lister said to himself.

"Is there anyway out any manual override for the doors in here?"

"No there's there all powered by Hol." He shrugged and sat on the floor. She did the same next to him.

"Hang on a second, always come prepared." He said reaching for a hot cupboard full of vindaloo.

"We can't let it go cold." He pulled in a cupboard underneath the microwave of the deck. It was there for food emergencies and Lister thought it was. He pulled out eight cans of JMC super strength lager.

"You smegging star." She said as she dug into the foil container and pulled the ring pull of a can.

"Oh wait hang on parties not over yet." He pulled out some naan bread and onion bajis. She smiled.

"You didn't do this on purpose did you?"

"What?"

"Tell Hol to shut down the ship and cause a black out?"

"Of course not, that's just stupid and dangerous."

After probably there fourth can of lager each and second vindaloo there speech started to slur.

"I never asked anyway how did Ace find you?"

"Well I was on my own hurtling through space with a Holly a male Holly who thought after about 3 million years he'd revive me and he did. I was just salvaging ships on my own and ace found me on a planet. He obviously tried it on and then brought me safely to the nearest crew, you guys."

"What and you weren't impressed, by Ace?"

"Not really I'm not into men that have highlights." She said smiling. He laughed too.

"You're nothing like Kris are you?"

"Not really. She got the looks I got the brains."

"Yeah right." He said.

"What?"

"You're just as good looking as Kris if not better looking."

"Thanks but I doubt that."

"You're I tell the truth after….How many cans have I had?"

"About sixxx" Her speech slurred.

"After sixxx cans" His speech slurred also. She giggled and he looked into her deep blue eyes. He leant forward and kissed her.

"Kryten what are you gibbering on about?" Rimmer said.

"Miss Kochanski and Mr Lister there in the hold bay with no light and they can't get out until Holly reboots herself."

"Jammy git" Rimmer said rolling his eyes.

"What do you mean? You don't think?" Kris asked Rimmer.

"Of course not officer Bud Babe, I'm sure when Lister has the chance to get with a babe like Kate in the pitch black he won't."

"He wouldn't be interested in her." She said.

"I'm sure he won't mam. Why would he be she's only a beautiful young woman with all those iny and outy bits he likes."

"Shut it rubber head."

"Hey that insult works in more ways than one." The cat said smiling at his intelligent comment. Well intelligent for him.


	4. Chapter 4

"Rimmer you better be joking" She said pacing towards him.

"Yes Kris of course I am why wouldn't I be." He said beginning to huddle up against a corner in the room.

"I'm going down to that hold and I'll barge that door down if I have to." She stormed towards the doors.

"Not as much Ken Dodd now more of a raging bull, sir." Kryten commented.

Kate and Lister jumped up to the sound of someone banging on the door.

"Kate get your hands of him you slut." Kris shouted.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Your heard me, HUSSY." She hissed at Kate through the door. Kate put her ear to the door and decided to shout back a fight between to sisters and no one dared get in the way.

"Don't you dare Kris, You really hate me don't you? You don't even care that I'm dead for god sake." This hit Kris like a smack in the face because of her hologramatic state she looked so real therefore Kris hadn't registered she was dead.

"Don't you dare play the dead card Kate."

"Why shouldn't I am."

"Kris just calm down, she's done nothing wrong."

"This doesn't concern you vindaloo breath," She hissed and even though she couldn't get through the door he stepped back in fear but Kate didn't. Kris could see Kate's hair through the doors vision hatch. She put her hand through and pulled.

"Ow Kris."

"Right that's it I'm manually overriding the doors."

"Why this is great." Cat said.

"Kryten do that and they'll kill each other."

"I'm trained to remove fighting women, dangerous I know but I'm willing to take the chance." Kryten said.

The doors had been overridden Lister ran out in fear for his life. Kate grabbed Kris' hair and they were brawling like children. They were on the floor what seemed like wrestling.

"That's it I'm going in" Kryten said.

"No Kryten, wait." Rimmer said. He had a tub of popcorn and as he tilted his head to one side in awe so did Lister and the Cat at exactly the same time.

"Should we stop them."

"Naa." Lister said. The fighting must have gone on for 10 minutes longer before Kryten lost him temper.

"I'm sorry ma'm but I'm going to have to remove you." He pulled Kris off and Kate stood there ready to punch but Lister stopped her and sent them in the kitchen.

"Alright guys sorry about that did I miss much?" Holly said booting up.

"You wouldn't believe." Rimmer said. Everyone went into the kitchen except Lister who stood next to Holly.

"Nice one Hol, I owe you" He said sniggering. Proof that he had arranged for Hol to go offline.

Kate stood there alone in the kitchen still in a mood.

"You ok Kate?" Lister said.

"I'm not great, She's just always been so jealous."

"Why because of me?"

"I think so."

"She clearly told me how much she wasn't interested when she dumped me."

"Yeah well I could never touch her stuff." She said rolling her eyes. "Shut cut the hair of my Barbie because I played with her my little pony." Lister stood there looking confused.

"I'm not gonna' ask!" He said.

"Look I never had a brother or a sister but Rimmer might as well be and look at how we fight."

"I suppose." She said.

"I've done nothing wrong though, I just think she's only had Holly for so long she's forgotten what its like to have another woman on board."

"Exactly, plus you have the rank she always wanted Captain, she always told me there'd never be a female Captain in her life time and if there was it would be her."

"I see and I'm the living proof."

"Pretty much." He sighed, "Look she just needs time to adjust to the idea, I mean we could do with another crew member and because of the lack of women you're perfect."

"Good cause its either that or go offline."

"We like you we're not going to get rid of you."


End file.
